Sunday, August 7, 2011

Never Change.

On the last day of school, I still remember, each of us wrote messages for each other on their respective white uniform shirts. It is still a tradition everywhere. Usually, the messages were same on everybody’s shirts- “You’re the most caring, sharing, friendly, sweetest, cutest (wtf!), bubbly….(blaaah blah) friend of mine! Keep smiling for EVA and NEVA change!” or “Be the way you are!”

Now, I don’t mean to emphasise on the innovative grammatical wonders here. The last line always struck me as plain stupid (not commenting anything on the indigenous works of praise in the earlier sentence). Why would I change? Of course situations would change, but why would I? Why would anybody say this? Years later, or let’s say a number of failures, horrors and heartbreaks later, today I woke up to find myself to be a completely different person! I had become defensive, intolerant of people, judgmental, and vengeful. I was no more the person everybody knew me as. I had started jumping to conclusions very fast. I was past the phase when bad experiences make people patient and more mature. I attempted to re-trace the path of my ‘psyche-evolution’ (or degeneration). I recall having to make choices in certain situations I would never have made otherwise. I remember resorting to certain actions which were not ethical/ moral according to my ‘older self’. I had always believed in myself and had made certain principles in my life. I was a strong person who never altered herself for something insignificant or adverse. How did THIS happen then?

There comes a time when one faces a dilemma. It grows on to become a fierce internal conflict. I don’t mean that we should not be flexible to changes for ‘good’ but the changes which arise out of negative emotions such as revenge, jealousy, hatred are highly undesirable and corrosive. Suddenly, it struck me. I had succumbed to my own devil. I failed to keep my actions in check. Obviously, certain extraordinary situations had caused the conflict but for how long would I blame the externalities? Every single time I had blamed the circumstances and the people who initiated them. That would be comforting in the virtual sense and I’d move on, becoming a crueler person in the process. 

In reality, it robbed me off my peace of mind. Day and night, I began to be haunted by thoughts of somebody watching over all these actions of mine. I led myself to believe that even my own thoughts were being watched and controlled, it was giving myself away to the ‘devil’ completely. I was ‘happy’ as long as I was getting whatever I wanted. Today I asked myself, “Did I really GET anything I wanted?” the answer was evident; evident by my recent past- NO! I had nothing which truly made me happy.

So, I dragged my heavy feet, but a firm mind, to my almirah. There are certain defining moments in one’s life when you know- This-Is-It! I had realised that being oneself was tougher than anything else, ‘staying the same’ seemed an impossible goal, given the horrors of the world, but I would do it! I would not lose hope. I would Love. Love unconditionally. Live freely in the true sense. No ghosts from the past. No burden of my negative thoughts. Only a determination to make everything right. I dug out that old shirt and pinned it on my wall.

It read in different colours- “We love you Charu. Keep smiling. NEVA CHANGE!” :-)